I am tired of not feeling well. I honestly do not remember what it feels like to feel well. Over the last 4 years, possibly longer, my health has gone downhill. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia... and the supposed comforting fact is that it will not kill me. Although I must admit that there are days when I feel like I am dying.
For those of you who don't know, Fibromyalgia is a quite painful, debilitating desease. For me, I can barely move in thw morning, I have horrible headaches/migranes, horrible fatigue, and more.
On the outside looking in, many would say "suck it up" or "get over it", but it truly isn't that simple. Imagine... having a headache so severe that you must go to the ER and they think you are having a stroke or an aneurysm, OR waking up in so much pain you can't move, all you can do is lie there and cry.
Over the years I have developed quite a high tolerance to pain... it certainly does not make it any easier, but I can at least function everyday. Get up, shower, go to work... for many they are lucky to get out of bed. On one level I have to function, because there is no one to take care of me, but me. On another level, I just can't let myself not function.
Anyone with fibro understands these thoughts... I just wish it was easier for others to understand. People always fear what they don't understand. People like me are are stuck between a rock a hard place. We don't people to know because we do not want to be treated differently (or like leapers) but at the same time, people need to understand what we have to go through everyday. There is no cure... our comfort is that it won't kill us. Big deal... there are days when we want to die it is so bad.
For many years, my doctor could not find what was wrong with me. I began to think it was in my head, that nothing was wrong... it lead to depression... I saw a physciatrist, to no avail. It is quite horrible to have something wrong with you and feel so bad, yet nothing can be found. Once I finally saw a doctor who actually has the desease herself, it became more clear. Although I still have not found the right treatments for me, I am still hopeful.
I guess in writing this, I am hoping that someone will understand and hopefully not judge. We go through so much... and honestly I am losing friends (as you feel so bad all the time, you quit doing things) and my family (parents/sister) doesn't really understand (although that might be more from them not listening). I do however, have two other family members with it as well. My cousin understands and completely knows all the feelings that go with it... He and I share some very similar "headaches".
I do hope that anyone who suffers from this, finds relief and support soon. :)
